Highlights as a mother thus far

My first Mother’s Day

Gavin was two weeks old on May 8th, 2016. For my first Mother’s  Day I wanted a lot of things. I wanted more than two hours of uninterrupted sleep. I wanted that sleep to be legit, REM sleep, where I actually rest and have dreams. Not some bullshit sleep where you’re pretty much awake. I wanted to wear a shirt that stayed dry for the entire day. I wanted to receive a nice card from my partner for my first Mother’s Day.

I got none of that.

I then decided I wanted to go an entire day without changing a diaper. Despite what anyone says, diaper changes are the easiest part of having a baby, I swear to you. But anyway, that’s what I wanted, a break from someone else’s shit. Well, it was 1pm and Darwin was busy hanging the new shades when Gavin shit his pants. I guess I needed to change his dumb diaper. 

At this time Gav had what I thought was diaper rash but ended up being yeast. So, I took off the shitty diaper, wiped his lil bum off, and put some butt paste on my finger to wipe on said butt. This was when he decided to tell me that he had to piss. Do you know how babies communicate that they need to piss? They piss without fear or hesitation. The only thing I had to quickly stop the peepee from spraying all over was my butt paste-covered hand. So there I am, getting peed on while covered in butt paste, when Gavin turns his head and spits up all over the couch. The fuck? He hadn’t eaten for like an hour and a half. 

At one single moment, I experienced butt paste, shit, piss, and spit up, all at once.

At this one single moment, I determined that the women on Pinterest were right. Motherhood is messy.

The day I decided that I’m an incompetent mother and who let me have a baby?

Gavin slept through his first car ride, so I was convinced that the car would keep him calm no matter what. So one day, a couple weeks in, I was leaving my dad’s house when Gav started flipping out. I didn’t feel like feeding him or comforting him so I shoved him in his carseat and sped out of Dad’s driveway, certain that he would soon shut the hell up. He didn’t.

By the time I got to the post office two miles away, I had convinced myself that all the screaming he was doing was going to lead to him getting insufficient amounts of air and then he would suffocate while I went tearing down the road. We pulled over, I jumped in the backseat, and whipped out my boob. After about ten minutes of simultaneously feeding him and making eye contact with post office patrons, I decided with little evidence that Gavin was full and we could carry on.

When I got home, I realized that not only was the chest buckle of the carseat strap laying across his fat little belly, but the arm bar of the car seat was also down! I mean these are cardinal sins of motherhood, says facebook. I was THE WORST MOM EVER.

I spent the evening lying in bed sobbing. I felt like I had failed my son and nothing anyone could say to me would make me think any different. Darwin knew I was having an irrational breakdown and ignored me, which made me feel even worse. Not only was I a shitty mom but I had a neglectful boyfriend who was bored by my cries, I thought. I eventually cheered up, we ordered pizza, and ate it in bed. The lesson from that day was that even medicated, hormones can sneak up on you, and I’ll never be a perfect mom so why even try.


Gav’s response to my shock when he pooped mid-diaper change. He really asserted his dominance in this moment.


He’s saying, “yeah bitch, I pooped on your bed. What are you gonna do about it?”

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